Official Corvid-19 Regulations
The British Government has been stung by criticism that the ‘Lock Down’ rules, as defined by the French government, are far clearer, less ambiguous and easier to follow than the 'advice' offered by the UK Government.
As a consequence, the Government has released the following, official, Coronavirus regulations: -
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you may leave the house.
2. There exists contradictory evidence that face masks offer protection against the virus, but you may have to wear a face mask because they can save lives, but they may not work. Wearing face masks may soon become mandatory. Or not.
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.
4. You must not go to work but must work from home, unless you can’t work from home, in which case you may go to work.
5. You should not go to the Doctor, or to the hospital, unless you have to, or unless you are very ill. In the circumstances that you are too ill to leave the house, you may visit your Doctor's surgery.
6. This virus can be fatal, but do not be afraid. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It is possible to contain and control it, unless we can’t, in which case it can lead to a global pandemic, which it has.
7. There is contradictory evidence that the wearing of gloves provides protection, but you may choose to wear them. Or not. There is no truth that the wearing of face masks and gloves has been a direct cause of an increase in crime. It is perfectly normal for people to be seen wearing face masks and gloves. This does not mean they are criminals. Unless they are.
8. STAY AT HOME - but you may go out.
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. You may have plenty of lavatory paper, but you should always buy more if it is available.
10. The virus has no effect on children, except for those children who become infected.
11. Animals are not affected, even though a cat tested positive in Belgium in February when no people had been tested. This means tigers may well be infectious.
12. Stay at least 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).
13. You may show symptoms if you are infected, but you may also show symptoms without being infected. If you are infected by the virus but show no symptoms, this means you are asymptomatic, which also means you may be infectious with or without symptoms and may also not be infectious if you have symptoms. Or not.
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have to hand first, as it's better not to go out shopping. During the current national emergency, it is permitted to eat food that you found in the back of the kitchen cupboard, that has passed its 'sell by' date. Unless it has gone green. Or smells rotten. Exclude cabbage from these exclusions.
15. It is important to get fresh air and exercise, but don't go to parks, but go for a walk. Whilst on your walk, do not sit down, except if you are old (but then not for too long), or if you are pregnant, or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down DO NOT eat your picnic.
16. Do not visit old people. However, it is important that you visit old people and deliver them food and medication. Do NOT drive all the way from South Wales to sit in your parents' front garden in London, even if you are delivering groceries. Or birthday cards.
17. If you are sick, you cannot go out until you are better; anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better, unless they need to go out. These regulations do not apply if you are the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister, if infected, can pretend to go to work, but not actually do any work, at the same time as avoiding key meetings, avoiding taking vital decisions and infecting other colleagues. Only the Prime Minister is allowed to travel to a second home to recuperate from his illness, if he had an illness, which is unclear, apart from having been admitted to Intensive Care where his care was not intensive but solely a precaution. Apparently. All other Government ministers travelling to their second homes will be forced to resign. ALL owners of second homes in the West Country, the Lake District and other remote natural beauty spots where locals have been priced out of the housing market, will only be sold food that has passed its sell by date, gone green and smells. This excludes cabbage.
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, including pizza. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house yourself have to be decontaminated outside for 72 hours. This includes pizza.
19. You cannot visit your elderly mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet elderly taxi drivers, who have been meeting other people's elderly mothers and grandmothers.
20. When you go out, you are safe if you maintain the safe social distance of 2 metres; however, you cannot go out with friends, or strangers, even if maintaining the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for up to two hours, or four hours, or six hours, or 3 days. To survive, the virus needs a damp environment, or a cold environment that is warm and dry, in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.
22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you are out at work which means you can send them to school. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes is a multi-disciplinary activity as it is considered to be maths or science or art or all three simultaneously or each subject individually, or collectively, whatever the case may be. If the cakes are burnt, it can also be considered as history (cf King Alfred). If you are home educating you can include household chores as part of their education.
23. If you are not home educating children it is safe to start drinking at 12 noon. If you are home educating children, you will need to start at 8am.
24. The number of coronavirus related deaths will be announced daily. We do not know how many people are infected with coronavirus as the authorities are not testing the general population, nor are they testing key workers - they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out what they will die of. The Government therefore has no clear idea how many people have been infected with coronavirus and are therefore unable to make an accurate tally of those who died as a direct result of being infected with coronavirus. The Government is also, therefore, totally unable to provide accurate statistics as to morbidity rates, or recovery rates, or whether once you have been infected, you can be infected for a second time. Those people that die of the coronavirus, but who have not been counted, will not count. The cause of death as shown on some death certificates will be coronavirus, unless it is shown as something other than coronavirus, even though it may have been coronavirus.
25. You should stay at home until the virus stops infecting people; it will only stop infecting people once everybody has been infected, so it is important to get infected unless you are not infected. Once everyone has been infected, those that have not died will have acquired herd immunity. Possibly. Please note that herd immunity has no connection whatsoever with mad cow disease, which is subject to its own, specific, regulations which include the compulsory feeding of beef burgers to John Gummers children. (You had to be there).
26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours are not allowed to call the police. Neighbours in neighbouring streets are allowed to call the police about your un-neighbourly behaviour, but these calls will be ignored, unless you live in Derbyshire where the Derbyshire Police Force, will take action to dye you drinking water black.
27. Government support will ensure that no businesses fail due to coronavirus, except those businesses that fail due to coronavirus. Failure to register your failing business as a potential failure will be deemed a failure to follow these regulations.
You are now fully aware of the Government's perfectly clear and unambiguous regulations. You must follow these regulations unless you choose not to follow these regulations, because they are not regulations, they are advice.
Please be advised that you may follow the Government's advice, unless you choose not to, because others have advised you that the advice you have been advised to follow is inadvisable. You are further advised that anyone ignoring the Government's advice is advised that this is inadvisable.
Thank you for your co-operation and understanding.
(Author's note: the sad part in trying to extract some humour from this situation, is that most of the foregoing is too bloody true to be truly bloody funny.)